This week the people around me have been experiencing some pretty intense moments. Some are going through heartbreak, some are lost in who they are, some are struggling financially, some are having a hard time making decisions. This week has been a time where I have been constantly wondering where to begin with helping myself and others simultaneously. I want to be there for them all of the time, but what happens when I realize that I am also struggling with the same issues they are facing? What happens when I am all out of advice to give? Here is a guide that I have been using to help myself when people I love are struggling, but also to help myself during their struggles.
Listening without judgment
When I am in pain what helps me the most is having someone who is there to listen to what I have to say. I recently opened up to someone the other day about some irrational thoughts I was having when I would experience a panic attack. That person looked at me and said “Thank you for sharing that, I know it must be hard to say that outloud.” That went such a long way for me. There was no judgment or immediate shock or disbelief with anything I had to say. All that person did was tell me that they are grateful that I opened up in such a vulnerable way to them. The result of that allowed for us to have a deeper conversation and connection. Take a minute and just listen to what others are saying to you. Focus your attention on the story they are sharing and put yourself in their shoes.
Using empathy rather than sympathy
I recently watched a video from a psychologist discussing why empathy is a better tool in contributing to someone's healing rather than sympathy. I learned that empathy fuels connection and sympathy drives disconnection. Empathy is feeling with people. Saying to someone that you understand what they are feeling and that they are not alone can be extremely comforting. It is scary when you are having irrational thoughts or behaviors. But when someone looks you in the eye and says I have been there before and it is going to be okay or I understand... I am feeling the same way, it can be extremely healing. Empathy involves the other person to connect with something in themselves that knows that feeling the other person is experiencing. When using sympathy most of the statements can feel like they are starting with “at least you don’t” or “at least you have” which is extremely hurtful to someone who just opened up about sharing their pain. What can make something better is a connection rather than a response.
Creating boundaries for yourself
There are times when you feel like you may be internalizing someone else’s pain so it is okay to recognize that and take a step back to collect yourself. Spending time focusing your energy on something positive, calling a loved one, and practicing your daily self care routines will allow you to be a better support system for yourself and others.
Checking in and staying updated
I hate feeling out of the loop! And I know you do too. It is the worst feeling when someone you love had something so exciting or traumatic happen to them and you were never able to know about it and be there for them. Check in with your friends. Call them, text them, facetime them, whatever you can do to stay involved in their lives and make sure they know you are thinking about them.
Pick up the damn phone and call them.
I struggle a lot with responding to messages on my phone 24/7. I find that I have all of these thoughts and ideas when my friends text me with an issue that I cannot put into a text. I have been trying to utilize voice messages (inspo from Caroline) but also picking up the phone and calling. I want to give the best advice that I have to offer and sending things through a text can make me feel like I am not fully giving my all to someone. When I have an issue on the spot I obviously will shoot a text to people for help, but it is much more beneficial to pick up the phone and call or facetime someone. Hearing someone’s voice will already allow someone to feel less alone.
Obviously all of these are just my thoughts and ideas I have gathered from the past week. It hurts when the people I love are in pain, but it is beautiful to know that sometimes what you are struggling with, other people are also struggling with too. No matter where you are in the world, no matter what you are going through, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. These things that are happening to you are happening for a reason. Try and think about the silver lining in each situation. You are never alone in what you feel and your thoughts and feelings are valid. Try to dive into why you may be feeling a certain way and use your support system. There are people that love you and only want what is best for you….me included :)
Stuck in my head: Looking too Closely by Fink
So well said! - a big fan