And to end the worst year off, what better way to celebrate than with my good friend Mr. COVID-19 am I right? Yes, you heard that right ladies and gentleman I have COVID on New Years Eve because what better way to wrap up this glorious year that I have had with yet another sore throat and stuffed up nose! I have spent this year dreading it from the start. I was hurt in ways I never thought I could be. I fell in love too passionately and began to struggle with remaining hopeful for the future. I faced terrible diagnoses and constant doctors appointments that left me in a paranoid state of mind for months. I believe that I truly hit a rock bottom. But in the midst of all of this there was something in my life that remained stable. You. And whoever may be reading this, whether we have a strong relationship, or we met briefly at some point in my life, just know that you brought something into my life that I will forever hold. I ask myself why I have not given up yet. I ask myself this question in fear that something worse will come along. Something that will show me all the pain and suffering that the world wants to bring to me. But something that keeps me sane is everyone surrounding me with love in my life.
I feel almost guilty for sitting in misery when I know that there are people who spend so much time and effort holding me up. This is not to say that there were definitely times that I have felt lonely. In fact, I would say the main theme of this year was loneliness. From that loneliness grew jealousy for the people who do not understand what I begin to go through. In some ways, I believe that it strengthens my relationship with myself. It is this secret and intimate relationship that I have that nobody will ever understand except for myself. Nobody else sits with you in the waiting rooms shaking or lies in bed crying over your summer lover who hurt you so terribly. It is just you. Nobody else loves music the way you specifically do or wants to genuinely deep clean every element in your room just for fun. Is that not truly amazing? I never thought about it this way until I tested positive for COVID. I thought to myself how will I approach this? Will I scream and cry that I was unable to spend New Years with friends? Or will I direct my energy to finally finishing all of the books I have started, watching all of the shows that are on my lists, or planning my summer abroad. I choose option number two. I choose to spend this New Year just like I did for my 21st birthday…with myself doing the things that I enjoy. And when this quarantine ends I want to give back to you in any way possible. I want to reciprocate the unconditional love and support that has brought me to this place. The new year will end with me reflecting on love. Love that you all have shown me. And love to the person who understands me the most. Myself.
Stuck In My Head: drift by Alex Olsen
Proud of you as always! 😀