I have been reminiscing about my childhood recently. The smell of my old house. The taste of Fishsticks and soft Kraft Mac N Cheese. Sleeping in my parents bed when I would have nightmares. Being carried from the couch to my bedroom when I would fall asleep. Playing at the park for hours and hours on end. Making up intricate games with my brothers. Feeling competitive. I miss it all. Being home for Thanksgiving has been relaxing and reenergizing but it has left a lot of time to reflect. Maybe a bit too much. I am truly getting older and there is nothing I can do about it. There is no possible way to slow down time. I fear the day when the people I love most in my life disappear. My youth was full of imagination, fantasy worlds, 70s music, and an extreme amount of Disney Channel. My life now feels like a build up of constant school work, planning what career I will have, who I want to love, where I will live when I am older etc. Why can’t I live more in the present like I did when I was a kid? There would be many days where I would be on my swingset for hours looking up at the sky and admiring the beautiful colors and shapes it held. How must I get that mindset back when all I am thinking about is my next move? As I grow up there are more medical issues I continue running into. I am sick of feeling like I have to constantly babysit my body. What should I eat? Will this hurt my stomach? Is this product good for my skin? Why is my acne not going away? Am I even able to have kids? For crying out loud I used to eat the most obscure things when I was younger and did not care at all about my body. When did I decide it was okay to police myself every second of every day? I want to feel free. I want to eat what I want, be with who I want, work where I want, live where I want. It all just feels a bit hard right now. It feels like my 20s will be a continuous story of feeling lost and confused all of the time. I know that is normal but maybe I am not ready for
that yet. Maybe I am feeling a bit in denial of what is coming. This Thanksgiving was very beneficial for my mental health but heading back to school brings on responsibility that I am nervous to face. I am prepared and ready to be productive and get back to my routine but it is a bit overwhelming. I kinda just want to escape to my childhood and spend some time on the swingset again.
Stuck in my head: How Deep Is Your Love by The Bee Gees
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